On Oct. 9, there will be many brave souls standing in the front rows of the R.Kelly/Jay-Z concert. I won’t be one of them.

There will be shouting and screaming. There will be clapping, singing and foot-stomping. Bras, panties and hotel-room keys will fly towards the stage.

Such wild behavior is typical at a concert, especially a show where the majority of the audience is made up of college “students.”

However, it is not the wild, rowdy “students” slinging their personal undergarments to the stage that worries me. The thing that worries me is what might be flying from the stage.

I’m sure everyone has seen or heard about the infamous tape, with somebody “taking a leak” on somebody’s daughter. I have never seen this footage with my own eyes. I have, however, performed a similar act while standing over a commode, better known as a “toilet bowl.”

And just think, it costs a person almost $30 more to be in harm’s way, where sweat, spit and who knows what other bodily fluids will potentially be flying.

While I refuse to subject myself to such hazardous conditions, for $49.99, I will supply qualified concertgoers with my brand-new, custom-made, never-before-seen full-body poncho-suit with matching goggles and hoodie. This price also includes a cookbook with various mouth-watering noodle recipes.

Does $49.99 sound expensive? Well, think about it like this – it’s cheaper than a front-row seat. And you can cook like a professional noodle chef when the concert is over!

The hoodie portion of the poncho-suit is 110 percent preshrunk cotton, so after one wash it, of course, will shrink to a size just big enough for a third-grader.

The goggles serve two purposes. One, they will completely block out all forms of light, so the wearer will stagger about aimlessly and recklessly until beaten over the head by concert security. Two, when the concert is over and it’s time to cook noodles, you can be sure that one goggle-full of noodles is pretty darn close to what leading nutritionists would call a “suggested serving.”

Of course, you can go to the concert dressed to impress. And when the “juices” start raining down from the stage like Hurricane Floyd, you will quickly realize my poncho-suit and professional noodle cookbook would have been 50 bucks well spent.

By this time, I will be on my way to the next stop on the R. Kelly/Jay-Z tour, laughing at all the idiots who failed to capitalize on my ingenious invention, while counting all the riches I just made from the “smart” students who did take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer.

I don’t want anybody to get the wrong impression. I’m not hand-making these poncho-suits for my health, and the secret recipes that will be unleashed in the world-class noodle cookbook have been protected from noodle-recipe stealing “students” from around the world for centuries, until now. Rather, it is my wish to see everyone in the line of fire stay cool and dry during the concert. Besides, it is high time noodles became a part of everyone’s diet.

• Chad Roberts