SEX AND ‘THE T’:Seeking positivity in a break-up

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The feeling is all too familiar, from the tightening in your chest, the nauseating stomach pain and the headache you receive from over-thinking.

It seems to happen the same way every time. Sadly, it happens or has happened to the best of us. Everyone experiences “The Break Up.”

Traditionally, you meet a guy or girl, one pursues the other, one may like one more than the other, and if there is an attraction you “hit it off.” Eventually, the honeymoon stage fades and reality hits. Further down the road, the relationship goes through trial and error, which tests the relationship. At times the relationship is not strong enough to withstand the issues. Therefore, the relationship ultimately ends in one if not both parties being hurt and left to cope with their feelings.

After the break up, we rely heavily on friends and family for their advice, whether it is positive or negative. Their inputs usually vary depending on how much they liked or disliked your significant other. Then you have the dating advice from cliché movies and magazines, where it gives you a sequence of steps to follow that usually include going to the gym, trying a hobby and blocking them from everything electronically and if possible keeping them out of your vision. There is one word that describes it all—Typical.  Although the advice catches your excitement momentarily, no one knows exactly what to say about the feelings you experience once the gym is closed, your friends are booed up and the only thing on TV is repeats of the Golden Girls.

Of course all break-ups are bummers, but they are apart of growing pains. I am neither an expert nor a guru, but I have experienced a similar situation that has changed my viewpoints. This change has ultimately helped me to cope with the struggles of life. I became more positive in all aspects. Instead of asking “why me?” Or “how did this happen?” I granted myself the proper space I needed to think about the problem and reach a solution.

My issue was that I longed for a boyfriend more than I did a peace of mind. I destined my entire happiness on one relationship or better yet a “situationship,” and when that ended I felt like a part of me ended too. I was tired of feeling physically sick because I did not know how to control my emotions. I did not want to be a “man-eater” as one of best friends suggested, but I needed to find out who Meagan was and apply what I learned from my prior relationships to my relationship with myself. I needed self-happiness. Once I realized that I was not happy with myself, I realized why my relationships never worked. Although relationships are meant to reach happiness, they should not define your happiness but contribute to it. I had no contributions because I was looking for someone to “foot the entire bill.”

In my research to see if I was the only one who got an upset stomach after a split I ran across a video of a guy trying to sell his idea on how to get over a break up. Although the idea of spending over $50 for something that can be summed up in a few sentences is remotely insane in my opinion, he made an interesting point. In the Buddhist tradition it is taught that desire and attachment is the root to all-evil. He further explained how many people think they are detaching themselves from a situation, but the only motive of their detachment is in hopes of their ex noticing. What I took from this was that I was detaching myself from my emotions and insecurities and giving them to someone else to fix my issues, and then when they left I was feeling empty again. I also realized that when I could not bury my frustrations in my ex-lover I heavily depended upon my friends to make me feel great, but I was still lost.

The great thing about friends is that they will defend you until “dooms day” whether you are wrong or right. After a while they get tired of hearing your repetitive soap opera and they are ready for you to move on. After my recent circumstances I realized that I had to be proactive and deal with my issues like a “big girl.” My friends were beyond helpful but I could not run to them every time I was feeling bad because I was going to feel this way for a while. I decided to redirect my focus. Instead of focusing on being bitter I focused on being better. The test was not avoiding him or the situation but it was facing the situation head on without being vulnerable. Although blocking his number would prevent contact, the true test is allowing him to text me and not dropping everything to be available to him. That was great improvement. Finding hobbies that I really did not care about was not going to keep the thought of him out of my head. At one time we spent a lot of time together, so it was normal to think about him and miss him. What helped was doing positive things that I put on hold when we were together. I started paying more attention to my future goals to better myself for me and not for a man. I was doing something I actually wanted to do instead of something I thought I needed to do. I believe some people feel entitled to jump into things, like cut their hair or take an art class to make them feel better for the moment.

When you break up with your boo, you are not entitled to anything but yourself. Treat yourself and the activities you do like a relationship. It is okay to spend time with your thoughts as long as they are positive ones. Find out where you went wrong in your relationship, try to improve the negative things about yourself, and implement them in your relationship with yourself. Detach yourself from others for a while. Remember that this is a great time to figure out who you are. It is still a learning progress that I struggle with everyday, but since I have recognized my flaws I am beginning to enjoy life. You will realize that one bad relationship does not spoil the whole bunch. All relationships are not terrible. You just have to find the one for you.  

—Email Meagan at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter @itsme_agannn

  • Meagan Jordan