Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, this is the season of love. The concept of “black love” was talked about quite a bit with the emergence of couples like the Obama’s.

The country seemed shocked to see such a great, positive, healthy example of black love. The shock made me realize that there are not that many examples of black love in the media.

Even here at NC A&T, it saddens me to listen to conversations and see trending topics on twitter on the topic. They all show that a lot of black men and women have negative perceptions of each other.

So this Valentine’s Day I wanted to shed some light on the topic in a positive way by showing examples of black love right here in Aggieland. I’ve selected a few couples here at A&T whose relationships range from a few months to a couple years, and talked with them about relationships, black love, and each other.

The Couples

Malcolm Eustache and Angela Allen have been together since January 2009, the longest of any of the couples. He is a JOMC Print major from Charlotte; she is a Political Science major from Greensboro. They are both graduating seniors, and as a result their relationship is about to make the transition. A transition they both feel they are prepared to make.

    

Matthew Diggs is a Junior Civil Engineering Major from Chesapeake, VA. Courtney Jackson is a first semester Junior JOMC Public Relations major from New Jersey. The two dancers are the newest of all the couples. They’ve only been serious for about two months and are excited to see where their new found relationship will take them.

Come this Valentines Day, Melanie Patrick and Derrick Overton will have been together for 15 months. The Mechanical Engineering and Civil Engineering majors, respectively. The two graduating seniors say they are so in sync that they tend to finish each others sentences.

I sat down with all three couples, to discuss their relationships, black love, their parents, and the status of relationships here at NC A&T.

Sylvia Obell: Whats your favorite thing to do together?

Angela Allen: Eat!

(Malcolm laughs)

Angela: Food just makes me so happy

Malcolm Eustache: If I say, ‘hey baby you wanna go somewhere to eat?’ it makes her day. We have some little spots… that we will not share.

Sylvia: So its safe to say its not summit?

Malcolm: (laughs) it’s not summit, it’s not Williams cafeteria. But food, museums, we’ve traveled to Costa Rica, concerts, movies…

Angela: Yea we like watching movies. We like to cook, drink wine.

Malcolm: Oh yea we do that all the time.  Before I met Angela I could cook but you know only for myself. Had my little go-to ‘man meals’ and what not, but when you have a girlfriend you really have to cook. So now I try to impress her. But yea we cook together a lot.

Matthew Diggs: We mostly just chill. We don’t do much, we’ve gone to the movies once. Gone to a few get-togethers. We like to dance. We’re both aspiring dancers, so we watch throwback music videos.

Courtney Jackson: Yea we do.

Matt: We get random food. Like one night I was like ‘I really want some ice-cream’ and she was like ‘do you really want some ice cream?’ and I was like ‘yea’ so we went and got some ice cream.

Courtney: We have a lot of fun together. I don’t have a TV in my room so you have to be really entertaining when you don’t have a TV to watch.

Derrick Overton: Go out to eat

Melanie Patrick: Kabuto, it’s a Japanese steakhouse

Derrick: Olive Garden too

Melanie: But we’d rather go to Kabuto

Sylvia: What is your favorite thing about each other?

Angela: Oh gosh just one thing! MY favorite thing is his ability to communicate and his ability to force me to communicate, even when I don’t want to.

Malcolm: Its so hard to just say one thing. Her smile. I feel like I can talk to her about anything. Theres nobody who knows as much about me as Angela does. There’s nobody I feel as comfortable talking to whether its my highest highs or my lowest lows. She’s the best listener I’ve ever known. I just feel comfortable.

Angela: Aww that makes me feel so good.

    

Matt: My favorite thing about Courtney is that she’s spontaneous. I don’t really have to convince her to do many things. I also like how enthusiastic she is.

Courtney: My favorite thing about Diggums (laughs) is that he’s very genuine, he’s very caring. You always want somebody whose ‘ride or die till the wheels fall off’ and that’s him.

Melanie: His humor and his style

Derrick: Just her simplicity. She’s so smart but like everything is simple. Her character, and her positive attitude, and her motivation

Black Love

Courtney and Matthew exchanged a quick pound after her last comment. The pound was quick and instinctive, and not that significant to many. However, it was the same exchange between the Obama’s during the election that caused such a media craze. Most black people were unfazed by it, but other races saw it for the first time. It’s those type of simple exchanges between black couples that hints to something being so instinctive and natural about black love. The Obama’s were just one of the first positive images of it in the media.

Lately their hasn’t been too many positive images of black love in the press. Like the presidential campaign, the promotion and discussion of it came and went. Black love is rare in the press, but why is it rare on an HBCU campus? Some would argue that the bond between black men and women needs to be rebuilt. The couples, who are all black, are proof that black love does exist.  Black men and women still do love each other.

Matthew: I feel like black women are stronger than most women. Black people as a race have been through more of a struggle. So when it comes to that back bone support, black women definitely.

Courtney: I love black men. I think they just have this presence about them. I’ve never dated any other race, but I have a lot of friends who are of other races and black men definitely have a presence.

Derrick: Well, I love that black women have a history of being strong. I think all of them want to hone in on that quality, but they may not have the direction to put it out in the same manner. I only surround myself with positive people so I only meet positive black women.

Melanie: I would say the strength aspect as well, just the need to do better and give a life to your children that you didn’t have for yourself. Also the uniqueness, their just like no other man.

Angela: Its the undeniable bond I feel with black men. You see fine men all over from all different races but it’s just this sense of belonging and nurturing I feel towards black men. It’s something I don’t think we can find with anyone else.

Malcolm: There was some type of comedic sketch thing that came out that implied that black women have these super high standards. But I think it’s the opposite, black women have not set their standards high enough. There’s still no one that love black men as unconditionally as black women. To me, black men are in a state of crisis, and with all of our faults black women have still put us up on a pedestal and loved us. Sometimes its been so much so, that It’s been  degrading towards themselves because black men haven’t necessarily done that for black women, and that’s just the honest truth. So that unconditional, undying support of black men. No one supports her son like the black mother; no one supports her man like a black woman, and thats a beautiful thing.

Malcolm raises the point of black women supporting black men so much it reaches the point where they allow themselves to be degraded and disrespected. The evidence of that exists in rap videos, music lyrics, and the “b*tch” debate. These Aggies don’t seem to think Aggieland is any different.

Sylvia: Do you see many examples of black love here on campus?

(Laugh) all say no immediately.

Courtney: NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!

Matt: Its college, everyones too busy not looking for a relationship. They’re just looking for a party and…yea.

Courtney: I don’t think that they’re not looking for a relationship, I just think they’re just trying to figure themselves out. These guys are going to be heads of households one day so their focused on getting a degree and finding a job, not finding a girl. You’ve got to let this man do his homework (laughs).

Matt: From the guys that I know, homework’s not really an issue. Not trying to put them on blast or anything.

Courtney: I mean you do have a lot of homework though.

Matt: Yea I do, but if you really want to find somebody and settle down you could. It’s all about what you want.

Melanie: What’s the definition of many (laughs) I feel like their are examples. More so with the older generations than our peers. I’ve meet some teachers and their spouses on campus.

Derrick: Whenever we go out it seems to be about one or two other couples there so I don’t think we’re alone. This is college though, so I know a couple people who have been in and out of relationships. Everybody has a mindset of wanting to…

Melanie: ….test the waters.

Angela: I think I’ve seen a lot of examples of “potential” black love, but the fact that we’re in college and young has a lot to do with the hindrance of being able to grow into something more serious. And I hate to say it but I don’t see a lot of examples of respect from black men, I don’t see it demanded by the women, and until that changes I don’t think we’ll see a lot of examples of black love on this campus.

Malcolm: Yea I totally agree. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for each other, and what I’m getting to is that at this age, you have to be realistic. If you want a serious relationship that could lead to marriage you have to start thinking, you have to start training yourself to think and behave like a married person. For example, you can’t be going to the club and then coming home to your spouse. It’s just not going to work. So you have to make certain sacrifices in order to make it work. But on this campus, I don’t know, I don’t really pay attention to be honest.

Angela: There’s a lot of black lust.

Malcolm: A Lot of black lust, that’s exactly right!

Our Parents

Many married couples in our parents generation met in college. It was as much of a mating ground as a place to get one’s education. You’ll often have mothers who expect their daughters to find their future husbands in college. However, with the lack of relationships in colleges, one must wonder if that trend is ending.

Matt: I don’t think its over because I think a lot of the people you meet in college are going to be people who will be apart of your life for a long time so you might meet a girl in college that your really into but your not ready for that relationship yet, but then you graduate and you get that job and you’ve found yourself more then you’ll be ready to make that move.

Courtney: I know when I was home last year my grandmother was like ‘so what happened to that guy from back…’ and my little cousins are like ‘when are you going to get married.’ So it just keeps getting pushed in my face and I’m like ‘I’m sorry but you don’t really know what I’m working with Grandma.’

Malcolm: I think marriage as an institution is kind of under attack, and I don’t mean people are out to get it I just mean its not held up in general public conversation as the best thing anymore. A lot of it has to do with divorce and how our generation grew up. A lot of people never witnessed love in the household and people may say they don’t need that but there may be subtlety that you miss out on. My parents are married, and that doesn’t mean they were perfect. I’ve seen my parents have those ‘I’m not coming back’ arguments but I was able to see that that is part of marriage too, its work. And that’s part of the subtlety, someone who didn’t see that is more likely to give up on relationships sooner, rather than know how much work it is because they saw it first hand.

Sylvia: Is everyone else’s parents married or no?

Angela: My father died when I was 7 but they were married when he was alive. It was his 2nd marriage, they were married for 7 years.

Melanie: I grew up in a one parent household and I think it makes it a little harder for me to depend on somebody else, I think growing up in a one parent household you’re a lot more independent.

Derrick: For me, my father was such a man’s man, I’m not saying I couldn’t get emotional but as far as their being a negotiation on things he was pretty stern. But as far as it affecting me, my mother was around for the early part of my life so I don’t think it did. I do see the effects though because a lot of my friends are from single parent households and I can see the difference between me and them.

Courtney: Personally I grew up in a single parent home, and the only marriage in my family was my grandparents. So I always say that I don’t really know how to do this relationship stuff because I’ve never seen it up close. But then I meet this kid and I’m like ‘oh, I don’t have to do anything, just kind of let it happen,’ but I didn’t know how people got here. So when we did I was like what do i do?

Matt: My family is pretty traditional. My mom and my dad are married, and love each other. They fight but I mean everybody fights.

Sylvia: Do you think that has a lot to do with why you may be a better candidate for a boyfriend than some of your friends?

Matt: Yea because I always knew I wanted something like that when I get older.

Courtney: I knew I wanted it too, but I just never saw it so… yea, this is getting kind of personal (laughs).

Love and A&T

What’s interesting about all of these couples is that despite the fact that they’ve been at A&T for a couple years, this is majority of their first relationships here.

Sylvia: How many relationships have you had since you’ve been at A&T?

Malcolm: None

Angela: Officially? One.

Courtney: None

Matthew: None

Melanie: I haven’t dated anyone else that goes to A&T

Derrick: None

Many aren’t aware of how few relationships exist here at A&T. It took a while to even find three couples. There is, however, an abundance of causal, non-monogamous, relationships. There are also quite a few couples on campus that people do not know about. Many Aggies seem to have a problem with commitment.

Sylvia: What makes this relationship different?

Malcolm: For me, this is the first real relationship that I’ve been in where I’ve been in love. At this point, I have to ask myself if this is someone I can see myself being married to and having children with: being with this person for the rest of my life. If not, then I won’t waste my time. In High School you just get into relationships because people are around. This is an adult relationship.

Matt: Well, I always look for the best things in a girl. She seemed really genuine when I met her and she speaks well. I don’t like ghetto girls. She’s really intelligent.

Courtney: Well, everything kind of made him different. Everything that I thought was my type was not him.  And its funny because he shows me that he’s exactly what I wanted.

Derrick: Communication, When we’re together we can relate on things, she can finish my sentences. So thats the main thing, the ease of our communication.

Melanie: His strength and maturity. We have a lot of things in common.

The extreme lack of relationships here at A&T also made it clear that being in one has its difficulties. The couples discuss the hardest thing about being in a relationship.

 

Derrick: Temptation

Melanie: Trust

Malcolm: I think the hardest thing is the fear of the unknown. You can plan for everything you want to happen, but you can’t plan for certain things that are unexpected. The unknown definitely, because we’re at a point where things are getting very serious.

Angela: I would say vulnerability. Being in college, we’ve all probably been in relationships where the other person hasn’t taken you seriously or broken your heart. So you have that voice that says ‘I don’t know if I should give it my all, 100 percent,’ but you just have to take that leap of faith.

Courtney & Matt: All of it! (laughs)

Courtney: My last relationship was in high school so I can’t really say, but if I look at other relationships I would have to say trust. That’s the biggest thing. And that’s with any relationship; friends, men,women…

Matt: Yea I kind of co-sign that.

Courtney: You better co-sign.

Matt: (laughs) I would also say that men tend to feel tied down now. And you might see one cute girl but then your like, wait, I can’t talk to her. But when you really like somebody, it really doesn’t matter.

Courtney: Why do guys look at it as tied down though? Nobody’s putting any ropes on you. To me its more liberating, its a freeness. I’m not like ‘oh no I can’t talk to any of these guys because of Matt’. Guys make it such a negative thing.

Matt: Yea… well…

(CJ laughs)

Malcolm and Angela are both graduating seniors, a trying time for most college sweethearts.

They have to decide what they are going to do after graduation, if they’re going to relocate for each other. Also, if grad school is in the picture, will they plan to go to the same one? Malcolm shares their strategy.

Malcolm: Its something we talk about more and more as it gets closer. Both of us have kind of merged our plans. We came into it as individuals, I’m a journalism major, she’s political science. She’s been into teaching a lot. I’ve done some research on the achievement gap and teaching and now we both work with AmeriCore and we both want to teach immediately after we graduate; preferably in the Charlotte area.

It is clear that the singles outnumber the couples here at A&T. However, the couples featured show that it is possible to have a healthy relationship. For those still looking, they offer their best pieces of advice.

Angela: Coming from a religious perspective, I think that is the only true way that we have made this last as long as it has. We’ve kept God first, and we’re not saying it just to be cliche, we actually do. And that plays a part in our individual character and that is crucial for keeping a relationship healthy. We’re not the typical college couple, we don’t party all the time, we don’t hang out with our single friends. We still have fun, we just make sure its around people who have the same mindset and are in relationships. If you truly want to be in a relationship where you want to marry the other person some day you have to practice those behaviors now. Otherwise it won’t work. You’ll have outside challenges. There’ll always be other females and other males and if you put yourself around that temptation you’re just asking for your relationship to end.

Malcolm: And that’s just how we chose to do our relationship. Be realistic. Understand that if you’re in a relationship with someone and you know in your heart that you can’t see yourself being with them for the long run, don’t waste your time. And for those who are in relationships, communication is essential. I know it may sound cliche but it is.

Matt: Don’t try to push anything when your not ready. If you do you’ll just end up cheating on the person your with.

Courtney: My advice is, for all you single gorgeous females out their, there’s always going to be somebody who wants to talk to you, take you out, but when it’s right it will just feel right. And give people a chance! Because you never know (laughs).

Matt: You never know.

 

• Sylvia Obell